Time Person of the Year: Me!Filed Under: Social

So, today I woke to the wonderful news that, Time Magazine has given me the illustrious award of Person of the Year. I can’t thank TIME enough for such an honor, and all those who voted for me, apparently it worked, and I DO have fans.

This year was a landmark year for myself, I started out with tons of resolutions, even though I never fulfilled them. I then made one of the biggest discoveries in world history, the human race is absolutely, positively stupid. That was one of the high points of 2006 and for the whole 00’s for that matter. Then in my Global History class, I pulled a Ken Jennings, yet better. In the class game of jeopardy, I totally dominated and won 10 extra points on the next test for my side of the room. Meanwhile around the globe we had guys like Kim from North Korea calling the American bluff, and completely disobeying the orders they tried to give him. Sorry for that side note, we all know that made no difference in 2006.

Push forward a couple months, it was state tests week, and I completely annihilated them, getting a 100 without studying once. Meanwhile Mahmoud Ahmadenijad over in Iran was developing his little nuclear power and the Iranian economy was booming. Again, sorry for that little ramble, silly Mahmoud was just trying to take away my fame. I finally ended school off with a 4.0 GPA and just around that time, that crazy fellow Al Gore was out and about, trying to raise awareness his movie and his silly idea of Global Warming. Ah, Al is such a joker, here is another classic case of some one who was formerly in the public eye trying to steal my spotlight.

Let’s go into late summer, I opened my first official website, Visual Enhancement, a graphic design firm consisting of a few minors. We had a full flash website and all, simultaneously the little known Stephen Colbert was rising to fame with his popular show the “Colbert Report”, he even made up his own word, “truthiness”. Then of course there was Hugo Chavez making a fool of himself by standing up to the UN and calling our great president “the devil”. Right about when school had just began, Sasha Cohen made the best movie of the year, “Borat” and captured the world with his humor about gypsies. Google was busy taking over another company for hundreds of billions of dollars, but those stand nowhere in comparison to my crowning achievement; being made an administrator at NBAwire! Ha, take that Raul Castro, Scientist who declared Pluto is no longer a planet, The whole democratic party which took power of Congress, Pope Benedict XVI, and Tiger Woods.

Apparently all of your achievements are no comparison to myself, I clearly had the best year, I did the most anyone could ever do, which was apparently nothing.